"There is a hard law. When an injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive." -Alan Paton

Similar to the above quote, you may have heard this saying: resentments are like drinking poison and hoping the other person falls ill. In my recent past I suffered; or more appropriately, I created a lot of self suffering. One of my worst habits was engaging in road rage. Whatever the situation, the conditions were always the same. I felt slighted, disrespected, etc. I also happened to be living in one of the most heavily traveled areas in the country, so there were plenty of opportunities to practice my aggression. Once I even witnessed two drivers- cars parked nearly head to head across the road- engaged in an all out roadhouse style fistfight. I remember feeling fearful watching this scene. It was not like one from a movie. The two men were causing serious bodily injury to one another. I wondered if children were watching this as I scanned the other vehicles idling near mine.

Thankfully my acts of rage never escalated to the physical level (unless you consider fists punching the car's ceiling or wrists straining from gripping the life out of the steering wheel), I often thought about the mind state of the obnoxious driver as he left my view. Like me, was he still shaking and griping the wheel, teeth grinding, still cursing out loud? Was he now looking for other situations to rage against?

That was my daily practice.

"I am never upset for the reasons I think..." -from the book A Course in Miracles

I posted that quote on the refrigerator in my apartment. I forced myself to see these words on a daily basis. When I would get angry, frustrated or disappointed in someone or some thing, it gave me a little space to consider the causes and conditions. Without doing this, I would often encounter the same old reasons: OTHER PEOPLE!

We wish it were that easy. But what I've found is very different. I can now look at the things that bother me in others and if I'm honest, I can find those same characteristics in myself. It's remarkable how other people can become a signpost for our own self improvement. It demands rigorous honesty, a trait we all possess if honed properly.

So we think we are so independent, so unique. But we are all connected. We are not like two individual birds on the tree branch; but rather, we are all  leaves of the same tree. It's obvious from my past behavior when I try and hurt you, I hurt me too.

As I become more adept at awareness, I can clearly see the pain in others. They are for the most part, causing their own suffering. No one deserves that prison. These walls are built mostly of fear, jealousy, contempt, frustration, disappointment, confusion... the list goes on.

Just like sin (which is often incorrectly translated and actually means to miss the mark in Latin- or without, in Spanish), I realized these poor behavior choices were causing me to miss out on the essence of living. Again, awareness is the key.

The day I figured out I wasn't the film on the screen; but instead, the light of the projector, a new empowerment was engaged. I can turn the light toward whatever I wish to illuminate! Sorry to disappoint the rated R crowd, but most of my current films are of the summer feel good variety.

"I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God's business." -Michael J. Fox

So if I'll never attain the goal of perfection, then why bother? Well, for one, quality of life comes to mind. Yes, I may have told myself in the past, "I enjoy smoking. It helps to break up the monotony of the day." But shortness of breath, poor hygiene and serious health concerns take away from the quality of my life.

Quality of life is so important to me that whenever I do any tasks, I now check to see it fits into one of three categories:

1. JOY: this one is easy, since it occurs without thought- you love it, you do it
2. ACCEPTANCE: might not love it, but the outcomes dictate its worthiness: work this job because it puts clothes on the kids, allows for vacations, etc.
3. ENTHUSIASM: not on the deep level of joy, but energy is found easily for the task

If I can't find one of these three when considering an activity, then I won't do it. I don't spend the day on a pink cloud, but compared to the angry hate machine I was operating a few short years ago, I'll take this.

"The one thing that may keep us from a great life, is a pretty good life." -Michael Jeffreys

I have work to do. I'm currently not in a communicative relationship with my parents. This decision was not made out of anger, nor was it a reactive measure. I love them dearly but am still not able to accept some of their unconscious behaviors. My part: I have a lot of trouble letting go of  the past stories that run deep in our family. But I don't give up on anything forever. And since I believe we'll have eternity together (no death), I'm not worried about missing a couple of physical phone calls.

I'll end with the guided meditation I've been practicing recently. Thank you Jack Kornfield. Meditating on the following creates deep awareness within my heart-mind:

-there are many ways I've hurt or harmed others, knowingly or unknowingly

-there are ways I've caused suffering to my self through hurting myself and others: I give myself mercy

-others have hurt, betrayed, abused and abandoned me- remembering the sorrows to the extent I'm ready, I begin the process of offering forgiveness to all of them


Practicing forgiveness daily,
Carl