"The church says: The body is a sin. Science says: The body is a machine. Advertising says: The body is a business. The body says: I am a fiesta." -Eduardo Galeano

I've found a new joy recently while helping others. There isn't much in the form of monetary gain from this kind of work, but the spiritual profits are immeasurable. Over the last several years my dear friend started a business selling produce to the local community. His customers typically didn't have the transportation necessary to leave this rural area and visit the supermarket. He would often tell me about the satisfaction he received from the smiling faces as he handed out another watermelon, ear of corn or cantaloupe to an elderly neighbor.

So as I follow in his footsteps this summer, "The Melon Man" has spent the last several weeks transporting hundreds of pounds of delicious fruits and vegetables from the rich farming valley into the hot desert. I'm starting to believe I was a farmer in a former life. Or at the very least I may have been a vegetarian.

Why am I sharing this? I realize this blog has been mainly focused on the practice of mindfulness. I wanted this to be a diary of sorts; one that I might look back on and observe progress, motivations, etc. So I need to document some real life examples of living a spiritually-minded lifestyle... and whatever that means!?

All of this becomes very hard to put into words. I can't explain with much accuracy the feeling I get each day from living differently. I trust this path to enlightenment as I trust so many other things in life without immediate proof. For example, I trust Einstein's Theory of Relativity to be well-founded, because I believe in the accuracy of math. Since I learned at an early age that one plus one does in fact equal two, I feel comfortable assuming other math based findings are accurate. If I'm still doubtful, I can explore the concepts personally and become more knowledgeable until I have the wisdom to discover these truths for myself.

My practice in mindfulness meditation is no different. While becoming the observer of my thoughts I've enjoyed many positive results. My mind spins out of control less often. I don't become disappointed with the actions of others. Compassion has replaced feelings of apathy, jealousy and condemnation.

"If the recipe doesn't produce a cake, throw it out!" -Venerable Robina Courtin

I can compare insight meditation, or the practice of Vipassana, to physical exercise. Sore muscles and fatigue are signs of physical conditioning (lifting weights, yoga, running). So when I observe firsthand the positive mind states replacing negative ones (verifiable results), I can trust in the practice of mindfulness.

No pain no gain? Perhaps this is true with my practice. I've uncovered some agonizing truths through meditation. Having looked closely at my past stories, I've cried tears of joy and sadness, but have always managed to return my focus back on the present moment.

Vipassana is being taught to prisoners serving life sentences. Check out this documentary: http://www.dhammabrothers.com/Prison.htm While living a life behind bars, men imprisoned at Donaldson Correctional Facility in Alabama  learned to practice meditation and expressed feelings associated with a new found freedom. This was freedom from their minds. They actually came to terms with the horrific crimes they committed, took responsibility for their past actions and then sought to help others. If this isn't proof positive of the benefits of mindfulness, then I don't know what is.

I spent more than 30 years in a prison of my own making. Instead of walls, bars, and guards with guns, this institution was a scarier place. I surrounded myself with the fear of the unknown, lived in dread regarding my outward appearance and lashed out in uncontrollable anger toward situations, people and things regularly. I suppose it's better late than never when it comes to self realization. I can cite so many examples of what wasn't working for me. Why wouldn't I at least try and follow a different path?

"Follow your bliss. Find where it is and don't be afraid to follow it." -Joseph Campbell

Each of us has to find our own path. Thankfully there are signposts (in the forms of others traveling via a softer easier way) to help us blaze our trail. If I were to learn the piano, I wouldn't buy a Steinway and start pounding on the keys. I'd find the best teacher I could afford and take the quickest route to success. 

This is my path. I take guidance from others who've gone before me, ignore the popular greed-based advertisements telling me to buy the next item to increase my happiness, and I remain diligent. When my thoughts lean toward the "I'm too busy for meditation" excuses, then I know it's time to sit down and focus on my breathing. Works (almost) every time. When the results don't come immediately, I probably need to take another breath... or two.

Why? Because just like all things, THIS TOO SHALL PASS (impermanence) .

"Limitations live only in our minds. But if we use our imaginations, our possibilities become limitless." -Jamie Paolinetti

Make today your masterpiece,
Carl

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." -Carl Jung

Ajahn Chah, an influential teacher of Theravada Buddhism in the west has said: "...we get lost in our thoughts and feelings as if that's who we really are. Those are just the contents of mind. Step back. Relax. Rest in the pure awareness that knows experience and you will be free."

So what is pure awareness? And how can I rest in it? These concepts seemed almost otherworldly to me when I was first introduced to them. Just as I blame the education system for failing to instruct children on the importance of credit management. I also point to the lack of emotional control instruction. Like most, I think this may primarily be the role of parents, but I also believe it takes a community to raise a child. 

When being introduced to another person, the first question westerners often ask is "so, what do you do?" In other parts of the world, like India, the question is more frequently, "so, in which form of God do you believe?" It's hard to argue the shallow depth of materialists vs the formless realm of the more spiritually minded. One point of view generally earns a paycheck, while the other may create eternal happiness. It's up to the individual to decide which is most important. But as I told a dear friend recently when he said, "I can't help it, I just lovvvvve money." "Well" I responded, "if the grocery stores run out of food for a week, let me know how good that $100 bill tastes."

Yes, I'm still a bit of a sarcastic S.O.B., but I continue to check my intentions when talking with others. I want to remove ego completely if I am truly coming from a place of love. Otherwise, I'm just preaching and it seems no one really likes that approach very much. Also, my daily choice is to be at peace rather than to be right. When the feeling wells up inside that I need to get in the last word, then it probably has already been spoken.

So what do I do? If I examine my bank account, my business card (which I don't have) or my possessions, I would most aptly be qualified as "loser" in this society. Then why do I feel happier today than I've ever felt in my entire life?

"If you suffer, it is not because things are impermanent. It is because you believe things are permanent."

-Thich Nhat Hanh

So often in the past I got lost in the roles I played. But these are merely stories surrounding what I'm doing, and not the true nature of who I am. How do I prove this? I need to only look back at how often these roles have changed. Then I check my level of attachment I have to the current role. In reality I've gone from child to adolescent, student to teacher, employee to employer, dedicated meat eater to a more vegetarian status, and the list goes on... and on... and on.

How silly to think I am ever any one of these things! When I've lost a job in the past, I thought my world was coming to an end and I would soon be living under a bridge. But instead what happened? I found an even better job- one in which I wouldn't have discovered because I was too comfortable with my current one to look outside and see it!

"People will suffer almost anything as long as it means they don't have to change."-Deepak Chopra

For today, may we recognize the things in life that cause us to suffer. If it's not necessary for our survival, maybe we don't really need it in our life and it might be time to change it.

Love,
Carl

I have enjoyed life a lot more by saying “yes” than by sayings “no”. -Richard Branson

How often do we say "no" throughout the course of a day? Do we ever unconsciously just say no when someone offers us something, simply out of habit? It would appear the kid in this photo, when offered a slice of watermelon, said yes with every fiber in his body. I wonder what would happen if I never said no? Would the opposite have more dire consequences? If I never said yes, would I fail to even get out of bed in the morning?

Perhaps these are meaningless exercises completely unworthy of discussion, but I wonder how often my own parents said no vs. yes to me as a child. Of course there are some obvious situations (no, you can't put your finger in the electrical socket, no you can't stay up all night eating cookies), but did the nos heavily outweigh the yeses? And by what margin: 2 to l, 5 to 1, 10 to 1... and what was the effect upon my development?

Consider this study done by the National Literacy Trust in the United Kingdom:

"Sir Ken Robinson, chair of the UK Government's report on creativity, education and the economy, described research that showed that young people lost their ability to think in "divergent or non-linear ways", a key component of creativity. Of 1,600 children aged three to five who were tested, 98% showed they could think in divergent ways. By the time they were aged eight to ten, 32% could think divergently. When the same test was applied to 13 to 15-year-olds, only 10% could think in this way. And when the test was used with 200,000 25-year-olds, only 2% could think divergently. . . . Education is driven by the idea of one answer and this idea of divergent thinking becomes stifled.' He described creativity as the 'genetic code' of education and said it was essential for the new economic circumstances of the 21st century." (25 March 2005, http://www.literacytrust.org.uk/Database/thinking.html#wither)

"Don't color outside the lines," we're told at an early age. But why? And who made the lines anyway?

"Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time". -Thomas Merton

As Steve Chandler has stated, "get up on the right side of the head." As super serious agenda driven adults, we rise in the morning with the day's to-do list plastered into our mind's eye. This often leads to a dreadful outlook to the blessing of another day. When and why did we establish this type of conditioning? Can you really give yourself one good reason why you don't deserve to be in complete and total ecstasy upon waking every morning? 

Tell yourself you can't and you won't. It's really that simple. The body follows the mind around all day. If negative thoughts can create ulcers in the stomach and make hair fall out of the head, what can positive thoughts do for the body?

Go visit a western psychologist and tell them you want to rise above stress, frustration, anxiety, disappointment, anger, fear and depression, and they will look at you as if you had three heads. The shrink will give you an action plan for "coping" with these things, but in the west we consider all of these feelings and emotions as normal. But again I ask: who made the lines anyway?

"What you are is what you have been. What you'll be is what you do now." -Buddha

If we make the assumption that we can change, can we admit we might just be a little too loyal to our suffering? Or we might be a tad lazy. I can't stand my lousy life, until someone threatens to change me and then I defend my lousy life to no end. What the hell am I so afraid of? 

I hope for today we all ignore the so-called professionals who tell us we're all just 50% nature and 50% nurture and to cope with that fact. All the great minds in history questioned something regarding the status quo. Become a pioneer, a scientist, or an explorer when it comes to the habitual functioning of your own mind. It might just be your final frontier.

Live long and prosper,
Carl

"To live in this world, you must be able to do three things; To love what is mortal, to hold it against your bones knowing your life depends upon it, and when the time comes to let it go, to let it go." -Mary Oliver

I had the most wonderful opportunity to meet with some very beautiful beings yesterday. As luck would have it, I found the Desert Meditation Group in Palm Desert through the website meetup.com. Getting to know new people, sharing experiences and simply sitting quietly in a state of being... ahhhhh, you couldn't possibly put a price on that stuff. Namaste my new friends!

So here's a link to a Google TechTalks video featuring the Venerable Robina Courtin. Don't let the robes fool you. There's nothing mystical or new-wave spiritual about Robina. Her language and style is very current  as she offers insight into applying mindfulness practice to our work-a-day worlds.

http://youtu.be/nasIq4E9nNg

And I realize it's an hour long (her talk begins at 1:47 of the clip) and I know, we are all very busy... but it could be a cheap way to avoid hours visiting a psychiatrist. I'm sure the psychoanalytic community doesn't want you to do it yourself... but if those professionals could learn how... hmmm, then why not me? Or maybe there are approaches to happiness other than the western way? Who knows? Not me!


Make today your masterpiece,
Carl

"All things are our relatives; what we do to everything, we do to ourselves. All is really One." -Black Elk

I won't say I made a new friend recently, but I did name this little guy Henry. It might be a silly thing to do, but after saying "hey bunny, drink some water" over and over again, this dude needed a name. I found him in the backyard two days ago. I noticed something that looked like a baseball covered in fur wiggling in the grass. The next thought I had: oh crap, this furry baseball has feet!

After calling the "Bunny Ranch (no, not that one, it's a rabbit rescue organization in Riverside County), I learned via the Hopline: days of operation were Monday through Thursday only. So Henry and I spent the weekend together mostly listening to music (he prefers classical, though I try my best to sway him towards traditional Chinese flute) and engaging in some mindfulness practice. Now I can cross meditation with rabbit off the bucket list.

"I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself, than be crowded on a velvet cushion." -Henry David Thoreau

I spend most days alone. This has been a great opportunity for introspection. So with all this practice lately, I am very aware of my feelings and corresponding emotions. Becoming attached to a little ball of fur and applying human characteristics to this wild animal was not in my weekend plans. Instead I used this time to focus on death. I believe the bunny has a broken leg. Most of my neighbors told me to put him out of his misery, but aside from some nervous shaking and belabored breathing, I think the bunny might make it.

But I'm not clinging to this idea. Just like all things, this too shall pass. I might release Henry into the wild where a coyote immediately re-names him Lunch. Contemplating death is not something westerners like to do. I realize this. Instead, we wait until we're fortunate enough to be on a "death bed" to start panicking, pondering and pontificating.

Did I live a good life? Were the choices I made the right ones? Am I going to heaven?

If you've had time to visit with someone just prior to their death, perhaps you've noticed a pretty common mind state: fear. Nobody wants to die, I get that. Just like its opposite, birth, death is a part of life. Then why do we so often act like it only applies to the other guy?

"I don’t want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it. I want to live the width of it as well." -Diane Ackerman

So for today, maybe we can focus on living wider. And I don't mean gaining weight- see I still have smart-ass tendencies! But if we've ever wondered "is there more to this life," then why should we wait until we're closer to death before we start considering the essence of real living (evidence: notice all the older folks attending church services)?

Namaste,

Carl

"There is a hard law. When an injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive." -Alan Paton

Similar to the above quote, you may have heard this saying: resentments are like drinking poison and hoping the other person falls ill. In my recent past I suffered; or more appropriately, I created a lot of self suffering. One of my worst habits was engaging in road rage. Whatever the situation, the conditions were always the same. I felt slighted, disrespected, etc. I also happened to be living in one of the most heavily traveled areas in the country, so there were plenty of opportunities to practice my aggression. Once I even witnessed two drivers- cars parked nearly head to head across the road- engaged in an all out roadhouse style fistfight. I remember feeling fearful watching this scene. It was not like one from a movie. The two men were causing serious bodily injury to one another. I wondered if children were watching this as I scanned the other vehicles idling near mine.

Thankfully my acts of rage never escalated to the physical level (unless you consider fists punching the car's ceiling or wrists straining from gripping the life out of the steering wheel), I often thought about the mind state of the obnoxious driver as he left my view. Like me, was he still shaking and griping the wheel, teeth grinding, still cursing out loud? Was he now looking for other situations to rage against?

That was my daily practice.

"I am never upset for the reasons I think..." -from the book A Course in Miracles

I posted that quote on the refrigerator in my apartment. I forced myself to see these words on a daily basis. When I would get angry, frustrated or disappointed in someone or some thing, it gave me a little space to consider the causes and conditions. Without doing this, I would often encounter the same old reasons: OTHER PEOPLE!

We wish it were that easy. But what I've found is very different. I can now look at the things that bother me in others and if I'm honest, I can find those same characteristics in myself. It's remarkable how other people can become a signpost for our own self improvement. It demands rigorous honesty, a trait we all possess if honed properly.

So we think we are so independent, so unique. But we are all connected. We are not like two individual birds on the tree branch; but rather, we are all  leaves of the same tree. It's obvious from my past behavior when I try and hurt you, I hurt me too.

As I become more adept at awareness, I can clearly see the pain in others. They are for the most part, causing their own suffering. No one deserves that prison. These walls are built mostly of fear, jealousy, contempt, frustration, disappointment, confusion... the list goes on.

Just like sin (which is often incorrectly translated and actually means to miss the mark in Latin- or without, in Spanish), I realized these poor behavior choices were causing me to miss out on the essence of living. Again, awareness is the key.

The day I figured out I wasn't the film on the screen; but instead, the light of the projector, a new empowerment was engaged. I can turn the light toward whatever I wish to illuminate! Sorry to disappoint the rated R crowd, but most of my current films are of the summer feel good variety.

"I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God's business." -Michael J. Fox

So if I'll never attain the goal of perfection, then why bother? Well, for one, quality of life comes to mind. Yes, I may have told myself in the past, "I enjoy smoking. It helps to break up the monotony of the day." But shortness of breath, poor hygiene and serious health concerns take away from the quality of my life.

Quality of life is so important to me that whenever I do any tasks, I now check to see it fits into one of three categories:

1. JOY: this one is easy, since it occurs without thought- you love it, you do it
2. ACCEPTANCE: might not love it, but the outcomes dictate its worthiness: work this job because it puts clothes on the kids, allows for vacations, etc.
3. ENTHUSIASM: not on the deep level of joy, but energy is found easily for the task

If I can't find one of these three when considering an activity, then I won't do it. I don't spend the day on a pink cloud, but compared to the angry hate machine I was operating a few short years ago, I'll take this.

"The one thing that may keep us from a great life, is a pretty good life." -Michael Jeffreys

I have work to do. I'm currently not in a communicative relationship with my parents. This decision was not made out of anger, nor was it a reactive measure. I love them dearly but am still not able to accept some of their unconscious behaviors. My part: I have a lot of trouble letting go of  the past stories that run deep in our family. But I don't give up on anything forever. And since I believe we'll have eternity together (no death), I'm not worried about missing a couple of physical phone calls.

I'll end with the guided meditation I've been practicing recently. Thank you Jack Kornfield. Meditating on the following creates deep awareness within my heart-mind:

-there are many ways I've hurt or harmed others, knowingly or unknowingly

-there are ways I've caused suffering to my self through hurting myself and others: I give myself mercy

-others have hurt, betrayed, abused and abandoned me- remembering the sorrows to the extent I'm ready, I begin the process of offering forgiveness to all of them


Practicing forgiveness daily,
Carl

"The non-doing of any evil, the performance of what's skillful, the cleansing of one's own mind; this is the teaching of the Awakened." -Dhammapada 183

From the opening verse of the Dhammapada:

Mind is the forerunner of all things. Speak and act with an impure mind or heart, and sorrow will follow you as surely as the wheel follows the oxen who draws the cart. 

Mind is the forerunner of all things. Speak and act with a pure heart and mind, and happiness will follow you unshakably as closely as your shadow.

Which will we choose today?

Today is another blessing. Many are not here and able to physically join us... 

Much love always on OUR path,

Carl

"While we may not be able to control all that happens to us, we can control what happens inside us." -Benjamin Franklin

I thought I would try something differerent today. Since it's been estimated that by the time we are 65 years old, the average American will have watched the equivalent of 15 years of television- why not add one more video to the pile!

http://youtu.be/5p2B1698tEU

Enjoy... or not... 

Always,

Carl

'"What the caterpillar calls the end, the rest of the world calls a butterfly." -Lao Tzu

While spending over 24 hours in bed temporarily incapacitated by flu, food poisoning, or heat exhaustion (as if labeling my affliction would make me feel better), I've had a lot of time to ponder pain and my ability to endure suffering. I had actually thought about playing some golf before this, but what the heck, it would seem  more fun to contemplate impermanence while perched on the toilet every 30 minutes! Today I'm still achy, have little to no energy, but at least I get a chance to catch up on some episodes of TEDtalks.

And how fitting an episode for me to view: "Jae Rhim Lee: My Mushroom Burial Suit." She asks the question, "what if, one day, our corpses could be eaten and decomposed by edible mushrooms?"

"If you want to destroy my sweater, hold this thread as I walk away. Watch me unravel, I'll soon be naked. Lying on the floor, I've come undone" -from the song "Undone" by Weezer

Like the song points out, I might be losing it, but enjoy watching as my insanity unfolds if you please. In the episode, Jae Rhim Lee opens the talk discussing the current methods of burial and cremation. She points out there are over 5,000 toxins stored in the human body. The two most popular forms for treating exhausted human bodies both have major environmental effects. 

As a rapidly growing society do we not have some obligation to recycle? If we won't recycle used body parts, will we even consider recycling glass bottles and cans? You don't still throw old batteries in the waste bin do you? Not to worry, I share a similar ignorant belief about recycling, since I thought my personal preference of cremation would be most helpful to the environment. Wrong again.

This got me thinking about our obvious fascination with other people's deaths (evident in violent movies, video games and nightly news clips). Yet we remain less than objective when discussing our wasteful methods of burial in tombs that never decompose, or incineration, which emits toxins into air, land and water.

The inability to separate our "selves" from this vehicle its traveling in (the physical body) will surely lead to the detriment of the Earth. How many human corpse landfills (cemeteries) can we afford to maintain on this planet? And at what costs will the dead infect the living beings? Obviously we're not just talking about human beings either. I've heard it said that we are the only species of animal on the planet who thinks it's OK to shit in the watering hole.

"We're not even the captains of the spaceship. We're just the passengers, watching and consuming. The crew is the insects and the microbes and the other creatures, doing what they do to keep the ship functioning. And right now we're killing off the essential crew, one by one." -Paul Watson, Founder and President, Sea Shepherd Conservation Society.

Captain Watson took a lot of flak in recent years when he said that earthworms were more valuable than humans. But it's a fact that earthworms will survive without humans. Humans could not live without earthworms.

If we won't even consider allowing our meaningless corpses to decompose naturally (via the assistance of mushrooms) after we're no longer walking upright on this planet, what else won't we do to remove our carbon footprints while we're still here?

Food for thought if you will,
Carl

PS- this is probably the most scattered post yet, but it accurately reflects how I'm feeling right now, and I needed some exercise in writing today. God knows I couldn't do ten push-ups at the moment!

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." - Albert Einstein

Yesterday I spent some time getting outside of myself by visiting an older couple living nearby. After a wonderful visit, I went for a 12 mile hike along the sea. Often times I would attempt walking with eyes shut. My trust in walking a straight path in this way usually lasted at most, 40 steps. What appears to be a silly exercise on the surface is really a way to disconnect one of the most overly used senses. We've all heard of the case where a person loses their hearing and another sense like smell, can become amplified.

Perhaps walking with eyes closed is a little extreme for some. So try eliminating the sense of sight while engaging in a smaller activity like brushing the teeth. When we re-examine closely the day to day monotony of simple tasks, sometimes a freshness to life is transmitted into other more meaningful events. Could mindfulness in shaving actually lead to more attention to the co-workers, spouse or children? Are we willing to try?

People interested in pursuing the practice of mindfulness meditation often ask me about my daily practice. So I thought I would take a moment (if only to remind myself) what I do each day consistently. I begin every morning by making a conscious effort to appreciate the fact I'm alive. Still lying in bed I repeat the mantra, "I feel terrific" three times. Many mornings I may not feel particularly terrific, and already my brain wants to push the to-do list into the forefront of my thinking. In spite of my previous conditioning, prior to inhaling I say, "I feel," and upon exhaling, "terrific." By the third repetition of this phrase I now have a smile creeping across my lips, as if my face has relaxed with the realization that life isn't so serious.

There is a popular statue of Hotei, an enlightened master often confused with the Buddha. He is usually posed with big belly pushed outward, eyes closed and laughing wholeheartedly. He started laughing immediately upon enlightenment, and  laughing became his way of sharing the joy of awakening to others.

After getting out of bed, I try to stay mindful, continue to smile and not get involved in too many tasks. After a necessary bathroom stop and some quick nourishment (I like eating an apple because I was told an apple wakes you up faster than a cup of coffee), I try to meditate immediately. If I realize a busy schedule, or I've awoken later than usual, I might only spend 10 to 15 minutes sitting quietly, preferably outdoors. On the weekends I enjoy sitting for 20 to 40 minutes first thing in the morning.

Sitting with my legs crossed, palms opened and facing upward resting on the knees, back straight and eyes closed- I just focus on the breath. I follow the path of the inhale as it passes my nostrils before filling my lungs and abdomen. I make an effort to notice the pause right before exhalation. The outward breath is a release of all tension in the body. By focusing on the breath, the mind cannot waver and my body becomes energized. When thoughts do invade my peaceful sanctuary of stillness (which they always will), I treat them like clouds and let them pass.

I do the same thing when I encounter an itchy nose, sleepy/numb leg, etc. Immediately reacting to sounds, thoughts, or vibrations while meditating can turn me into a twitchy mess. Simply observing and not resisting helps to keep me peacefully centered. This feeling can carry throughout the day and serve as a reminder of the impermanence of all things.

Without getting into too many details- talking about meditation forms can be equally as boring as describing the serve in tennis- I'll just say I end my day in pretty much the same way. While monitoring the onset of sleepiness, I will make meditation my final physical activity. I avoid electronic devices in bed (again, based on some information I picked up about these things overstimulating the brain), I may doze off while reading a book or magazine

"I am the wisest man alive, for I know one thing, and that is that I know nothing." -Socrates

Regardless of how much I practice meditation, I want to keep a beginner's mind. Shunyru Suzuki, who created the San Francisco Zen Center and wrote the book Zen Mind- Beginner's Mind said, "In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities. In the expert’s mind there are few."

Again, if I can look at a small activity like shaving, I can see the process as I did the first time my father taught me. He took such care and concern not to cut me; not to miss the spots on the lower neck, and gave advice regarding the prevention of  razor burn. By doing this I honor our relationship and history, I continue to plan for the future, but most importantly... I stay present.

Beginning today,
Carl

"Language... has created the word 'loneliness' to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word 'solitude' to express the glory of being alone." - Paul Tillich

I noticed an unsettling sensation in my body recently. After spending several glorious days with some very special beings, loneliness was my new found companion. Being careful (mindful) of the stories the mind was spinning, I asked myself: why must the emotion of sadness accompany my solitude?

While stepping back and focusing on awareness, it just doesn't make sense... In comparison to many, I appear to have so much. I never go hungry. I have more articles of clothing than I could ever need, and most of my bills are paid. Can I still separate my true self from this sinking feeling that on paper makes absolutely no sense? I give myself the same pep talks as most. I even went for a 3 mile run in near 100 degree heat this afternoon. Why? Because once a friend told me, "depression can't hit a moving target." He didn't mention the aim of heatstroke!

So I try and sit quietly to observe my thoughts. But I struggle to stop dwelling on the situation of a very close friend recently wronged in a court of law. Our society claims to protect women and children, yet men may still threaten ex-girlfriends with violence, and not even a slap on the hand is received. No one should have to live in fear of physical violence from others- not even children. If you think it's an acceptable practice to hit another human being in order for them to learn, I hope you don't mind someone bending you over the hood of your car and spanking your ass the next time you're caught speeding.

Spare the rod and spoil the child? Spare me this antiquated and scary thinking. Aren't we supposed to be evolving somewhat as a society? We don't all gather together and witness hangings in the town square these days. It's not okay to enslave other human beings. And we now know we shouldn't sleep with our cousins and expect healthy offspring.

This may sound like complaining to you- and most likely it is- but today, I could give a fuck less. Please stop reading if you're offended by mere words, yet continue to be ok with daily societal evidence of evil and archaic behavior steeped in sexism, homophobia and racism. Maybe you've outstayed your welcome. Perhaps with your body, these expressions of hate will decompose also. I could give less than 1 tenth of 2 shits what you think, since I write this blog for myself as an exercise in dumping my resentments like excrement into this carpeted sewer posing as an intelligent society.

Mindful? Oh yes, very- I realize I'm being extremely immature. If I were my thoughts, I would take a baseball bat to some inanimate object, and later I would deeply regret that action. Instead I write. The practice of Vipassana, one of the oldest forms of meditation, instructs me to see things how they are. Right now I'm seeing red. It's a funny thing too, because I felt blue when I started this post. The color yellow comes to mind as I wonder if I'll even publish this once I've finished my immature tirade.

"Pain can only feed on pain. Pain cannot feed on joy. It finds it quite indigestible." -Eckhart Tolle (from The Power of Now)

I've also recently heard Oprah Winfrey state, "when you know better, you do better." Surely I know I'm not really alone. I have so many who love me, but in contrast to the recent joyous visit by my loved ones, I'm now witnessing sadness. These angry thoughts will not turn violent; but rather, physical exercise and writing will lead me to more awareness. I continue monitoring the feelings I've associated with my dear friend's experience in court.

This too shall pass.

Just like the happy pink cloud feelings we have and wish to hold on to, nothing is permanent. The only thing that we can ever trust and count on to be consistent is change. Safety is a temporary false concept. In this country we scream bloody murder when weapons fall into dangerous hands, and yet we're surprised the killing machines we've sold to the rest of the world find their way home.

"Overseas weapons sales by the United States totaled $66.3 billion last year, or more than three-quarters of the global arms market, valued at $85.3 billion in 2011. Russia was a distant second, with $4.8 billion in deals." (from a report prepared by the nonpartisan Congressional Research Service, a division of the Library of Congress. The annual study was written by Richard F. Grimmett and Paul K. Kerr.)

Check out this fun-fact: the US Defense Budget is larger than the next 9 developed countries in the world COMBINED. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_military_expenditures).

No wonder we all walk around looking at each other out of the sides of our our faces. We, the people project this image of toughness, yet we weep like willows when a few school children are mowed down right before recess. Sound cold and callous to say? Then go and visit the Democratic Republic of the Congo where thousands of women and children are slaughtered each week (most likely by guns acquired from the land of the free).

Okay, okay, thankfully I don't write these posts in one swoop, and after having taken the time to sit with my thoughts and feelings, this too has passed... not the facts, just the feelings. I must recognize, and take an honest assessment of my personal inventory. I still cling to feelings, base my personality on temporary emotions and wallow in the mind made stories. Herein lies the point of all this: unless I'm willing to be rigorously honest with myself, I cannot peel away these conditioned types of thinking and behaving. In meditation practice we speak of the rivers of joy and the ocean of sorrows. Both must be examined in order to see the middle way.

"You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have: the facts of life." (From "The Facts of Life" TV show. Theme music written by: Al Burton, Gloria Loring, Alan Thicke)

Last night I was watching one of my favorite webcasts, "Buddha at the Gas Pump," hosted by Rick Archer. During this particular episode the guest, Bentinho Massaro, had much trouble controlling his breathing while he was overcome with joy. It was a beautiful thing to witness. He even told the host he loved him. And yet, it reminded me of the opposite end of the spectrum at which my emotions currently fell. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qS1fL4bDV_s

If you are busy and can't watch the entire interview (but of course you are mindful of your impatience), feel free to skip ahead to 56:07 of the program. You will miss out on the context, but I understand. We are all very busy and there's probably another important zombie show, vampire romance novel or sporting event that requires our attention. In the meantime, I'll go and meditate, since I continue to confuse sarcasm and wit with intelligence or wisdom.

Still sitting, often running, and somehow always practicing,

Carl